A Disaster Waiting to Happen
by polynya
Summary: Hogwarts AU. Renji is acting weird, and seems to have sprouted fangs and...tattoos? Rukia and Ichigo are determined to break whatever curse he's under, but he's not being very cooperative.


**Author's Note:**

It's a real AU now. This came out of some clowning around on Tumblr about making a RenRuki Hogwarts AU/a. I already wrote a drabble and now here's a real one. I am definitely not writing any more of these unless someone asks me to, or I get an idea, or it's like, Christmas, because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna write a Christmas one.

Special thanks for sorting and headcanons from Nymja, J. K. Robertson, and Luna12, and to MothMcKrakken for general enthusiasm.

Additionally, Luna12 did a heckuva beta on this, because I really slummed it on the HP parts and she fixed them up for me. (I still think there should be owlbears in HP, I will die on this hill, pour one out for the owlbears).

Rated T for language.

* * *

A Disaster Waiting to Happen

* * *

"Incoming!"

A heavy book dropped down into Renji's arms with a dusty thump. He squinted at it, trying to parse the writing on the cover. The characters seemed to wriggle around a bit if you stared at them too hard. "What language is this in?"

"It's mononoke script. Don't worry, I've got a translation charm. Wheel me over to the end of the row, wouldja? Where all the scrolls are?"

Renji tucked the book into Rukia's knapsack (as if she wasn't going to make him carry it once it was full of 400 pounds worth of illicitly borrowed library materials). Taking a running start, he grabbed the library ladder, and raced it down to the end of the row. Then he planted his feet and it hauled it to an abrupt stop.

"I will never fall off this thing, you know," Rukia informed him archly from the top of the ladder as it shuddered precariously.

"I know that!" he snorted back. "Just tryin' to give you a fun ride, like a good friend!"

"Mmm, yes, like a good friend," she echoed, already shoulders deep in scrolls.

Renji could tell already that this was going to take a while, so he flopped down on the floor. He poked through the pile of scrolls on the lower shelf. Some of them were in fancy cases, lacquer or carved wood, adorned with elaborate seals or silky tassels.

He noticed that there was an awkward gap between a few of the scrolls. Was there something stuck in there? In typical Renji fashion, he stuck his hand into the space and groped around until his fingers closed on something small and cool to the touch. He pulled it out and examined his find.

About four inches long and two high, it was a little soapstone carving, grey-blue in color, a striped baboon sitting up on its haunches. It had a snake for a tail (complete with head) wrapped around its hindquarters. Renji liked the expression on its little face. It looked like a baboon that had seen a fistfight or two in its time.

"Neat," he said.

* * *

"This one's tall. Is it a centaur chestnut?"

Ichigo tried to maneuver his staff so that the light at the end of it illuminated his guidebook. "Says 'compound palmate leaves with exactly six leaflets.' What do you think?"

"I think it'd be nice if we could do this during the day."

"Easier to get caught during the day."

"Don't you think Professor Ukitake is gonna notice we did our project on something that only grows in the Forbidden Forest?"

"Aw, I'm not worried about him. He knows that you and I are perfectly capable of handling ourselves out here."

"I think you mean, he's so tired of yelling at us, he saves it for the times we _actually _almost kill ourselves."

"Potato, potahto. I don't know what a leaflet is, but I don't see six of anything. Let's keep looking."

"We shoulda brought Orihime," Renji grumbled.

"I tried. The Gryffindors are Up to Something tonight."

"Hey, come look at this one. Looks, um, palmate to me."

"Hold the book." Ichigo held one of the leaves up next to the picture in the book, illuminated by his light spell. "Yup. Good find, as usual." Ichigo craned his neck and surveyed the tree. The lowest branch was still pretty high up. "Gimme a boost?"

Ichigo propped his staff against the trunk of the tree while Renji crouched a little and held out his interlaced hands. Ichigo stepped on, and Renji hoisted him up into the tree. Ichigo settled himself on a large branch, and Renji passed the staff up, so Ichigo could have the light.

Renji rarely bothered casting _lumos _himself. It always either came out too bright and ruined his night vision, or was too dim and didn't do much good. Everyone made fun of Ichigo and the six-foot-long staff he carried instead of a wand, but it did make a nice big light. It was good for hitting things, too.

"Hey," Ichigo called down as he made his way higher into the tree. "I got an owl from Mom this morning and she wants to know if you and Rukia are coming for Christmas this year."

Renji made a face. "It's only October."

"My _mom _was _asking_."

Renji rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, I'm in. I imagine Rukia is, too, but you should check with her." He was silent for a moment. "Sure would be nice if that mystery uncle of hers would turn up for the holidays, 'stead of just sending her posh presents."

There was a rustle from above. "I dunno. Yuzu and Karin would be sad if she didn't come. And that _was _a pretty sweet broomstick she got last year."

Easy to say for someone who had grown up surrounded by family, instead of in a dingy Muggle orphanage. It was hard to begrudge Ichigo his crazy family, though, especially given how willing they were to take in a few strays for school breaks. A thought popped into Renji's head.

"Your mom ain't knitting us jumpers, is she? Is that why she needs to know so early?"

"I don't know anything about it," Ichigo replied, pushing a smaller branch aside.

"Ichigo! Tell her not to!"

The fact of the matter was, Renji would have taken a genuine, mom-knit jumper over a top-shelf broomstick in half a heartbeat, and both boys knew it.

"Mate, I haven't stopped her from knitting a jumper in 15 years, I cannot help you." Ichigo picked a conker off the tree and examined it in the light of his staff. Was it ripe or not? He pulled out the guidebook again, and flipped through. You needed to scratch it with your thumbnail, and if the waxy coating was about two millimeters thick, it should be ripe. Ichigo sighed. It was going to take forever to gather three pounds of these things. He wondered if Renji could get himself up here and help. It was a pretty tall tree, but climbing things was one of Abarai's specialties, along with messing up spells and uniform violations. Ichigo was just about to shout down the suggestion, when there was a hideous, bloodcurdling scream, maybe some sort of bird, directly below.

"Renji? Did you hear that?"

"Uh, yeah. Um, I don't think it's anything to worry about."

"You don't—" Ichigo recognized the tone in Renji's voice. "You can see whatever it is that just made that noise, can't you? It's got a million teeth and spines and you're trying to pet it anyway, aren't you?"

That was Renji's other specialty. Trying to befriend angry, feral magical creatures. He had an alarmingly high success rate, but even so, he also had an alarming number of scars on his hands and arms to show for it.

There was another screech, this one somewhat insistent, followed by Renji saying something low and soothing that Ichigo couldn't quite make out, before he shouted up, "Hey, Ichigo, I gotta go run into the woods for a moment, real quick-like."

"You gotta _what?" _

"You just keep collecting those chestnuts, we'll be right back! Don't try to jump down before I get back, you'll break a leg for sure!"

"We? Who's 'we'? _RENJI!" _

* * *

The next morning, Ichigo skidded into the Great Hall, trying to wrestle his jumper over his head. Renji, Rukia, and Uryuu were sitting at the special "Friends of Hufflepuff" table Professor Ukitake had given up and instituted after all other attempts to stop Ichigo and Renji from sitting wherever they pleased at mealtimes had failed.

"Nice of you to join us," Uryuu commented dryly, mopping up the last of his egg with a piece of toast.

"Sorry, I overslept." He glared at Renji, who was calmly stuffing his face full of sausages. "What gives? You usually wake me up, shouting about the gym at 6am."

"Woke up early," Renji mumbled. "Went for a run this morning instead."

Ichigo surveyed the remains of the breakfast platters. There was still plenty of toast and beans and tomatoes, but all that was left of the bacon and sausage was a greasy patina. Running low on food was a bit unusual for Hogwarts. Rukia was eating her usual kippers and porridge. It couldn't have been Uryuu either, he ate like a bird.

"Were the Gryffindors here?" Ichigo asked. "Where'd all the food go?"

Rukia tilted her head toward Renji. "Ask the Norwegian Ridgeback over there."

"I'm a _growing boy_," Renji shot back, stuffing more bacon in his mouth. "You might consider it yourself sometime," he added in a mumble.

"I am _conveniently sized _for exploring small spaces, _thank you_," Rukia snapped back.

"What is up with you?" Ichigo broke in, ignoring the slights to Rukia's stature. He turned toward toward the Ravenclaws. "He left me in a tree for forty-five minutes last night."

"I told you I was sorry."

"I just wish you would tell me what you were doing."

"I did tell you. I was looking for whatever made those bird noises. I never found it."

"Did you two find any centaur chestnuts?" Rukia interrupted.

"Yup! I got a few extra for you, if you want 'em."

"Of course I do! Does that mean you're done with Renji? Because I need him after Quidditch tonight."

"We need to do our herbology project! You always get him!"

"He was my friend first!"

Renji's eyes darted between them. "Actually," he said slowly. "I'm busy tonight."

"Doing what? For whom?" Rukia demanded.

Renji was not the best wizard at Hogwarts. Not even tenth best. In fact, his ability to actually cast spells was downright abysmal. But he was strong and good at climbing and he would stick his hand in anything. He knew both the Forbidden Forest and the secret tunnels around Hogwarts like the back of his hand. He _found _things, all sorts of things. And he was up for basically anything, from bum-rushing manticores to cheerfully taste-testing questionable tonics. Therefore, he was in high demand as an adventuring sidekick. Rukia and Ichigo took up most of his time, but there were at least two different groups of Gryffindors that occasioned his services, and a few of the older Ravenclaws, as well. After last spring's Skele-Gro incident, Rukia had instituted a policy that she had to pre-approve any experiments Slytherins wanted to run on him. In writing.

"Maybe it's for me, for a change," Renji grumped, wiping his mouth on his tie, which today was wrapped around his forearm like an extremely preppy vambrace. He kept insisting that the dress code did not specify that ties had to be worn around the neck, although it very clearly _did_. He had single-handedly lost Hufflepuff over a hundred points so far this year alone, and it was only October, although, to be fair, this was the point of the year where the teachers usually got tired of docking him points for it.

Ichigo and Rukia stared at him, mildly horrified.

"It's time to get to class," Uryuu pointed out.

Renji cracked his knuckles. "Good. I'm really in the mood for Defending Against some Dark Arts today."

* * *

"The problem with these nasty blokes," Professor Zaraki intoned, "is that it's almost impossible to knock them out in one punch."

It would be nice if Professor Zaraki ever told them the name of anything, instead of calling everything a "toothy lad" or a "spikey fellow". These were apparently placeholders for the more colorful names he used in the top forms.

"You think that's a Swamp Bugbear?" Uryuu leaned over and asked Renji, nodding towards the pile of hair and teeth gnawing on a bone next to Zaraki. Class was outside today, and there was a whole troop of these nasty blokes chewing on each other in a nearby pen.

Renji shook his head. "Naw, he's got those armor plates on the shoulders. Greater Blood-Sucking Bugbear. Means he's got two rows of teeth and a bony ridge in his skull."

Ishida nodded grimly.

"So, whatcha gotta do instead," Zaraki went on, "is either stun him first, and then punch him, or you can punch him as a distraction and then use a spell on him. This is a good time to team up with a nerd. Make teams of two, Hufflepuffs are punchers, Ravenclaws are the nerds."

Rukia waved her hand desperately. "Professor Zaraki! Professor Zaraki! I want to be a puncher!"

Professor Zaraki contemplated this. He was very fond of Rukia. "Okay, Rotwood. You can be with Yamada. 20 points if you can do it."

Ichigo jabbed Renji with his elbow. "Which one of us gets Uryuu, then?"

Renji stretched. "You can have him. I'm gonna knock this guy out in one blow."

Zaraki guffawed. He was also very fond of Renji. "Sado couldn't even do that, he tried. 50 points for a KO."

Renji stood up and cracked his knuckles.

"I should tell you," Zaraki said, scratching his chest. "He's gonna get real angry once you start giving him the business. Probably gonna start biting the hell outta you."

Everyone started edging toward the back of the group. Zaraki had a strict policy of not helping students out of messes they had gotten themselves into.

As Renji stepped toward it, the Greater Blood-Sucking Bugbear started to growl at him, and rose onto its hind legs. Renji grinned and his smile seemed somehow even toothier than usual. Rukia frowned. Had his canines always been that pointy?

"Nothin' personal, pal," Renji apologized.

The monster snarled and lunged at him.

Renji slammed an uppercut into its jaw. The bugbear's jaw snapped shut with a loud _CLACK! _and it flew backward, landing a few feet away, unconscious. Renji crossed his arms across his chest triumphantly. "Toldja I could do it."

Zaraki blinked, clearly impressed. "Fair play to Hufflepuff."

* * *

"Today's lesson," Professor Kuchiki droned, gliding across the front of the classroom, "is about _observation_. The brewing of potions is a careful and exact science, where attention to detail is crucial. Today, you lummoxes will be attempting an Unguent of Glamour, a particularly delicate recipe. Judging by the number of eyebrows that have _already _been blown off this semester, I do not expect any of you to successfully complete this activity, but let's see how far we get, shall we?"

"Ugh, this looks like a huge pain," Ichigo groaned, looking over the instructions. "Do you want to do the constant whisking over a low simmer, or do you want to reconstitute the dried mandrake tinctures?"

Renji shrugged. "I don't care." He looked exhausted. Despite his previous morning's protests, he had ended up helping Ichigo grind up the centaur chestnuts and _then _went off to help Rukia with whatever she was up to.

Ichigo frowned at him. "You look knackered. How about you do the whisking?"

Renji flicked his wand at the burner stand, igniting it with a fireball the size of his head.

"_Low simmer_, _Abarai and Kurosaki!"_

There was some snickering from the Slytherins.

"What were you and Rukia doing, anyway? You were out really late."

"Nicking swords from the old armory," Renji said under his breath. "She's been reading a book about spirit blades and wants to try making one."

"Rukia should not have a sword, enspirited or otherwise."

"Probably not."

"How many did you get? Did you get me one, too?"

"Course we got you one, dummy!"

"Good," Ichigo grumbled. "Sorry you didn't get to do whatever it was you were gonna."

"Oh, I did that afterwards."

No wonder he was tired. "What, ah, was it? The thing you had to do?"

"Oh, um, new workout."

"In the middle of the night?" Ichigo asked, shaking a little vial of purple stuff vigorously.

"Yeah, that's the gimmick."

Ichigo raised one eyebrow. "What is it supposed to do?"

"Make you tough."

Well, that made as much sense as any of Renji's dumb workouts. Renji was already just about the most indestructible person Ichigo knew, but then again, he must have gotten that way somehow. Ichigo wasn't going to question his methods.

Professor Kuchiki was pontificating again. "The critical part of this exercise will be removing the firebee wax from the heat before it curdles and adding the essence of frogspawn immediately. If you remove it too soon, however, the oils will not be released from the wax, and your final product will lack potency. At the proper moment, the mixture will give off the very faintest scent of bergamot."

"What does bergamot smell like?" Renji frowned.

"Kurosaki's mom smells like bergamot!"

Ichigo closed his eyes painfully. "That doesn't even make sense, Jaegerjaques!"

"And Mrs. Kurosaki is a classy lady, you shut your mouth!" Renji added vehemently.

"Gentlemen, decorum, please," Kuchiki sighed.

"It smells like Earl Grey tea," Ichigo clarified.

"Got it," Renji agreed. "Do you have the frogspawn stuff ready?"

"Not yet, I'm still reconstituting."

"You should have it ready, it's already starting to smell."

"No, it's not. It says it'll take ten minutes at least."

"I don't care what it says! You can't smell it? It's like Professor Ukitake's office up in here!" Renji pulled the wide mouthed beaker off the heat, barehanded, grabbed the jar of frogspawn essence, and tossed in a generous dash without measuring it.

"What are you doing?" Ichigo exclaimed.

"It was time!"

The mixture was fizzing wildly.

Professor Kuchiki wandered over, eyebrows raised curiously, although he maintained a generous distance.

Suddenly, the fizz died down, leaving a pale pink, viscous mixture.

Their professor's eyes widened a barely perceptible amount. "Amazing," he said in his usual deadpan. "Excellent timing, Abarai. Twenty points to Hufflepuff."

"Ha HA!" Renji gloated, elbowing Ichigo for emphasis. Unfortunately, as he did so, the vial Ichigo was shaking slipped from his grasp, flew through the air at an amazingly unlucky trajectory, and landed in the beaker, shattering. A small green fireball belched up, followed by the odor of rotten vegetation.

"Trash," one of the Slytherins commented.

"No one asked you, Cifer!" Ichigo growled.

"Twenty points from Hufflepuff," Professor Kuchiki sighed.

* * *

"Let me get this straight- you made Nutella out of those centaur chestnuts for your Culinary Uses of Magical Plants project?" Rukia raised one eyebrow.

"They taste a lot like hazelnuts, you see, and they increase your mental clarity," Ichigo explained, clearly chuffed. "Spread some on a crumpet in the morning, have it with a cup of tea, and you're ready for an arithmancy test first thing in the a.m."

"Does it work?"

"I stayed awake all the way through Professor Barragan's history lecture this morning. First time ever, probably."

Rukia frowned. "I hate it when you're a genius. As if Professor Ukitake didn't already love you enough, he's gonna run out of space to put pluses next to your A."

"It was his idea." Ichigo jerked a thumb at Renji, who was currently trying to teach a hippogriff how to shake hands a few yards away. Sometimes, it was easier to just trail around after the guy during Care of Magical Creatures lessons. The monsters only had eyes for him, anyway.

"How did you keep him from eating all of it?"

"Y'know, he actually wasn't very interested in it, once we actually got it made. Which was weird, because he's usually into sweets. It was real good, though, I tasted it."

Rukia's brow creased. "He's crazy for Nutella. I saw him eat an entire jar of it while he was watching a football match, once. Something's up with him."

They watched as Renji tossed a chunk of raw steak to the hippogriff, and then casually stuffed a second piece in his own mouth.

"Renji! Renji, what are you doing?" Rukia shouted at him.

"Huh?" he asked blankly, chewing on one side of his mouth.

"Spit that out!" Rukia commanded, pointing at the ground. The hippogriff cocked its head at her.

"It's fine!" Renji protested, swallowing deliberately. "You know Tessai always buys them organic, food-grade meat."

Rukia and Renji glared daggers at each other.

"Your hippogriff is sad," Ichigo pointed out.

Renji's head whipped back to his big feathery son, who was holding out a talon expectantly, eyes big and liquidy. "Awww! How do _you _do, Razorwings?" He grabbed the talon and pumped it up and down, and then tossed the hippogriff another treat.

"You saw that, right?" Rukia growled at Ichigo. "That was gross, right?"

Ichigo shrugged. "He said he's doing a new workout. Maybe there's a protein thing that goes with it?"

To be fair, Rukia had seen Renji ingest many questionably substances in the name of physical fitness over the years. But something about this didn't seem right.

* * *

"Thanks for covering the beginning of practice for me, today," Renji said, hefting his bag of Quidditch gear.

"No problem," Ichigo replied. "Where were you, anyway? Not like you to be late, Mr. Team Captain."

"Got caught up in something," Renji frowned.

Ichigo looked at his friend out of the corner of his eye. There was an odd, confused look on Renji's face, like maybe he couldn't even remember where he'd been. Ichigo rolled his sore shoulders. "In any case, you had a brilliant practice once you showed up. Your reflexes, man!"

"Thanks," Renji beamed, snapping back to himself. "I felt really on."

"Too bad about your bat."

"Well, it was second-hand, anyway, or maybe third-hand. Just unlucky, the way the bludger hit it."

"I dunno about _that_. If you hadn't intercepted it, my _head _would be a pile of splinters instead of your bat."

Renji laughed and palmed Ichigo's head affectionately. "You know I protect my keeper with my life."

Rukia was sitting on the low wall that bordered the path from the practice fields. She glanced up from her book whenever someone passed by, and when she spotted the boys, she slammed it shut and hopped to her feet. "Hey!"

Renji dropped his bag on the ground and immediately tried to get her in a headlock. She evaded his waving arms, gave him an affectionate kick to the shin, and danced around to the other side of Ichigo.

"Hey, Rukia," Ichigo greeted, in the manner of a functional human being. "What's up?"

"I wanted to remind your cave troll of a roommate that it's the Orionids tonight, and he promised to get me up onto the Battlements."

"Oh. Right," Renji blinked. He had obviously forgotten.

Last spring, after an incident involving a number of Slytherins and some water balloons filled with dragon-dung fertilizer, Professor Shiba had cast an anti-flight charm on the Battlements, which were supposed to be off-limits to students to begin with. None of the levitation spells worked once you got near the top, including those that powered broomsticks. This was a blessing in disguise (because, while it did nothing to deter big goons who liked to scale things the old-fashioned way) it _did _kept out the general riffraff. The Battlements made for a nice, fairly private meeting spot, with a lovely view of the surrounding countryside.

Ichigo said nothing as Renji hefted his bag again and they all headed back toward the main buildings. Three years ago, he hadn't exactly planned on befriending the overwhelmed Muggle-born orphan he'd been assigned as a roommate, but every time he saw Renji flubbing up a spell or getting into a fistfight with some Slytherins who'd been picking on Rukia, he'd hear his mom's voice in his head and think about what _she _would do. Anyway, some stuff had happened, and the next thing he knew, the three of them were fighting rogue Hollows in the Hogwarts sub-basement and facing down the practically immortal Dark Wizard who had nearly killed Ichigo's own parents and apparently now had a special interest in Rukia.

_Obviously_, they were his best friends now. You didn't fight a Dark Wizard with someone without ending up ride-or-die for them. But every so often, those two wanted to do something by themselves, and that was okay by Ichigo. Good, even.

They weren't exactly little kids anymore, and Ichigo had long suspected that Renji's feelings for Rukia went past the normal bounds of friendship, although he wasn't entirely positive that Renji himself was aware of this. Rukia was harder to read, but Ichigo knew her pretty well by now, and was coming to realize that maybe she was a little soft for ol' tall, loud, and boneheaded in return. Which, y'know, was great. They were the two best people Ichigo knew. If they went and fell for each other, how could he possibly fault them? They had never done a single thing to make him feel like less of a friend for it. In fact, it was almost like they clung to him more fiercely than ever, as if they felt guilty for wanting a little space now and again. Needy jerks. As if.

Ichigo glanced down at Rukia, marching down the path, eyes half closed, babbling about ascending nodes and spherical trigonometry. He wondered what the Gryffindors were up to that evening. Might be nice to take in some meteors, especially with some company that didn't _talk _so bloody much.

"I might be late," Renji mumbled.

Ichigo's hand twitched where he gripped the strap of his bag. What was this moron doing?

Rukia's mouth snapped shut. She sucked her teeth angrily. "How am I supposed to get up on the Battlements without you?"

"I don't see why you need to be up high to see them. Grassy open field seems more comfortable. The Quidditch pitch, maybe?"

"The Quidditch pitch will be overrun with Gryffindors."

Renji shifted his bag on his shoulder. "Ichigo, you know how to get up on the Battlements, right?"

Ichigo froze. _What _was this moron _doing_? "I mean, I went with you the once."

"The only tricky part is getting over the crenellation. You gotta kick off the wall and just make a grab for it."

Ichigo was certainly taller than Rukia, but he didn't have Renji's stupidly long limbs, or his ability to cram his giant fingers and toes into tiny little footholds or his utter nonchalance about dangling in mid-air from nosebleed-inducing heights. There was absolutely no way he was going to "kick off the wall" _or _"just make a grab for it."

"What? No. I'm not-"

"It's settled then." Renji suddenly dropped his bag again, dodged around Ichigo, and tackled Rukia around the waist.

"Put me down!" she shrieked.

Renji continued to run in circles around Ichigo, Rukia half slung over his shoulder. "Ichigo will get you up on the battlements, and I'll be there by midnight, for sure. I _promise _!"

"I did not agree to any of this," Ichigo pointed out. No one was paying attention to him.

Rukia got her hands on the tail of Renji's jumper. She kneed him in the stomach, and when he doubled over, she yanked the jumper over his head and shoulders, then jumped free of his hold.

Laughing, Renji yanked his jumper back into position, grabbed his bag, and started sprinting down the path, turning backwards briefly to shout, "You won't even miss me!" He didn't see the rock sitting in the middle of the footpath, and tripped over it, wobbling wildly in an attempt to regain his balance before landing on his butt.

"What about lunch?" Rukia shouted.

"I got plans, don't wait up!" Renji shouted as he picked himself up and dashed off again.

Ichigo opened his mouth, and then closed it again. He looked down at Rukia, and immediately wished he hadn't. There was a very un-Rukia-like look on her face, confused and a little hurt. It only lasted a moment, and was very quickly replaced with the steely, vaguely angry expression Rukia made when she was puzzling her way through something.

"Let's stow your gear and get some chow," she said coldly. "Unless you're planning on ditching me, too."

"Me? No," Ichigo managed stupidly. He wasn't good at dealing with Rukia when she was upset. To be fair, Renji wasn't any good at dealing with Rukia when she was upset, either, but usually, the two of them managed to muddle through it together. The last thing Ichigo wanted to deal with was a _Renji-induced _upset on his own.

"Good. I need your help," Rukia scowled. "There's something wrong with him."

"Yeah," Ichigo echoed. "Did you see his back? When you pulled up his jumper?"

Rukia's eyes swiveled up to meet his. "No. Why?"

"It was kind of… stripey."

"Stripey like he fell asleep on a slatted chair?"

"Stripey like a tiger."

"Oh," said Rukia. "That's probably bad."

"Yeah," replied Ichigo. "Real bad."

* * *

"I've known something was wrong all week," Ichigo was saying. "I just couldn't put my finger on it."

Rukia wrote down "Being sneaky" in her notebook.

"Every morning, I wake up and he's already dressed."

Rukia wrote down "Stronger than usual."

"I haven't seen him do a push-up in days."

Rukia added "Eating raw meat (gross)" to the list.

"He got this dressing gown from somewhere that he wears to and from his shower?"

"Teeth definitely sharper," Rukia wrote down. She tapped her quill against her chin.

"This morning, we went to the gym and- Rukia, he _wore a shirt with sleeves_."

Rukia had started to write down "Doing something different with hair?" but she looked up partway through. "Short sleeves or long sleeves?"

"_Long sleeves_, Rukia."

Rukia nodded. "This is serious."

Uryuu slid into the seat next to Rukia. "Greetings, Rotwood, Kurosaki. Trying to figure out what hideous curse someone's put on Abarai?"

Rukia and Ichigo looked up at Uryuu. Then they looked at each other. Then they looked back at Uryuu.

"Curse? No way!" Rukia wagged her hand at him at the same time Ichigo protested,

"Renji's great! Never been more normal!"

"Rii-iiiight," Uryuu nodded, pouring himself a glass of pumpkin juice. He pulled out a neatly tied little scroll of paper and handed it to Rukia. "I double-checked everything _I've _cast on him in the last two weeks, and the symptoms don't match, but I thought you might want want to cross reference for spell interactions."

"What are you doing, casting spells on poor Renji!" Ichigo accused.

"It's just the usual," Uryuu frowned. "Scourgify, he's always in need of a scourgify. Various resistances, fae sight- have you ever cast fae sight on Abarai? He's always good at finding things, but when he's got fae sight, he'll find all _sorts _of things out in the woods, wee little mushrooms-"

Rukia was scrutinizing the scroll. "Why were you putting ironskin spells on him? You weren't trying to shoot things off his head with that dumb arcane bow of yours again, were you?"

"He likes it," Uryuu sniffed.

"It's true, he does," Ichigo admitted, before frowning at Uryuu. "You keep a list of all the things you cast on him?"

"I keep lists of what I cast on all my friends. Don't you?"

Rukia and Ichigo exchanged a look that said, "Woooo, look at this fancy lad with his _record-keeping_." Rukia and Ichigo had a very sophisticated non-verbal shared language, consisting mostly of eyerolls and eyebrow movements.

Uryuu rolled his eyes. "Do you think it might have been… You-Know-Who?"

Rukia and Ichigo exchanged another skeptical look.

"If Aizen's putting curses on Renji, it's probably good news, because it means he's hit rock-bottom," Ichigo declared.

Uryuu tilted his head to the side, not completely convinced. "I suppose another way of going about it is to look at the symptoms, and try to determine what the cause might be. My initial thought, of course, was lycanthropy, but this has been going on for nearly a week, and it's not the full moon, anyway."

Rukia and Ichigo exchanged another glance.

"And _then _I wondered if he had actually managed to master animagy. I mean, I always assumed he would eventually, but this early, given his general skill at spells-"

"That's turning yourself in to an animal, right?" Ichigo asked.

"A specific one, yes," Uryuu confirmed. "But I feel like if he had actually did it, we would have heard no end of it by now."

Ichigo scratched his head. "You don't get to pick, though, right? So maybe he turns into something right _embarrassing_. An opossum, maybe? Or a hedgehog?"

Rukia shook her head. "He would still brag about it. He doesn't feel embarrassment like a normal person."

"Do you think he's turning undead? Like a zombie or something?" Ichigo suggested.

"I don't know much about the undead," Uryuu admitted. "Rotwood? You're into spooks and things like that."

Rukia frowned. "It's possible, I guess. I don't know. He seems… _more _alive, not less."

"Well, there are the other usual possibilities. Spells of course. Picking up cursed objects. Bitten by wild creatures. Ingesting magical plants or potions. Stumbling into fairy circles."

Rukia clenched her fists. "Stop listing things he does all the time! It could be any of those!"

"Well," Uryuu frowned, "You'll just have to go through them logically and eliminate things one by one." He looked at the twin horrified looks on Rukia and Ichigo's faces. "Or maybe if you wait around and do nothing, someone will accidentally cast a countercurse on him." He considered this. "It could happen."

* * *

Ichigo frowned at Renji's side of the room.

It was a mess.

Most people would not have found this surprising. In addition to his untamable hair, his ongoing crusade against the dress code, and the fact that he was constantly outgrowing his school clothes, Renji lived his life on all cylinders. At any given time, he had some sort of rip in his clothes, dirt on his face, and at least three bandages somewhere on his body.

But having grown up in poverty, he was actually very scrupulous with his personal belongings. _Reparo _was one of the few charms he was actually any good at, and he always spent a little time before bed taking care of the day's misfortunes.

Usually, his things were very neatly organized and put away. Today, though, the bed was unmade, and covered in mucky clothes, school papers, and a fair amount of leaves and other forest detritus. A pair of trainers, absolutely caked with mud, sat under the bed.

There was a gentle knock at his door. "Ichigo, it's me!" his sister's voice called.

"C'mon in," he called back, and Yuzu popped her head in.

"Can you come on down to the Common Room?" she asked.

Karin was the only Slytherin that was allowed in the Hufflepuff Common room, on account of her twin. She still looked profoundly uncomfortable to be there, slouched on one of the overstuffed couches.

"Karin has something to tell you," Yuzu huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

Karin scowled. "It's not a big deal, I tell you."

"Tell him!"

"Yuzu says Renji's cursed?" Karin asked.

"How did you-?"

"Anyway, I... borrowed him a few days ago. I know I'm supposed to get some sort of permission slip from Rukia, but it was just a football game, I don't see what the big deal is."

Ichigo plopped down on the other sofa opposite her. "Spill."

Karin wrinkled her nose. "Hiyori challenged me to a football match, but she cheated, y'see, because she'd already gotten all the big upperclass Slytherins to agree to play on her side, and all I was left with was like, Rin and Shishigawara. But she never _specified _that we couldn't recruit from other Houses."

"How are you related to us?" Ichigo frowned.

Karin wagged her hand. "Renji loves football, he had a great time."

Ichigo looked at Yuzu, who still looked angry. "That doesn't sound so bad. It was just a footie game."

Yuzu glared at Karin, until the other girl sighed. "Okay, okay, it devolved into everyone throwing curses at each other in the end, all Slytherin activities end that way. Renji may have, er, gotten hit with one. Which is to say he definitely got hit with three. He pushed me out of the way and then tripped over a divot in the field, just rubbish luck. And you know how Slytherins are when they see a man down." Karin fidgeted. "I mean, Nel was there, she unhexed him right quick."

Nel also happened to be in the Hufflepuff Common Room at this time, doing some homework. She looked up, curiously.

"Which curses?" Ichigo demanded. "And what were you doing there?"

"Playing footie," Nel replied, as though there could be no other answer. "Let's see… Jelly Legs. Like Karin says, Slytherins love a man down. Donkey ears. Oh, and the ol' sardines-out-the-nose, that's Nnoitra's favorite. Renji seemed fine afterwards. It's certainly not the first fish he's shot out of the ol' snoot." She blew her bangs out of her face. "Something wrong with him?"

"Maybe," Ichigo replied, trying to put on his stern big brother face. "Karin, I doubt this has anything to do with his...situation, but still. We have rules for a reason."

"Whatever, Badger-Boy."

"Also, why didn't you ask me, your beloved big brother? I'm a _great _football player!"

* * *

"Oi, Kurosaki! Rotwood!"

Ichigo and Rukia both looked up from the big, dusty library books they had been flipping through. "Gryffindors," they breathed in unison.

Tatsuki Arisawa grabbed a library chair, spun it around backward, and straddled it. Her goons loomed behind her. "We aren't here to make trouble."

Ichigo glanced up at her sidekicks. Chad regarded him with the one eye that wasn't hidden behind his hair. Orihime crossed her arms over her chest, and stuck out her lower lip. All three of them were originally from Ichigo's home village; he'd gone to nursery school with Tatsuki. This tough guy routine they liked to pull was the stupidest thing he had ever seen, but he went ahead and humored them, as usual. "What's up?" he asked, leaning back in his chair.

"So we heard that Abarai is, uh, under the weather," Tatsuki frowned. "You think it was You-Know-Who?"

"No," Ichigo and Rukia replied in unison.

Tatsuki made a disappointed face. "Anyway, not sayin' it's our fault or anything, but, ah, we, um, did taking him swimming in the Great Lake last week. We needed some whipweed and he distracted the giant squid for us."

"_Finally_," Rukia sighed. "He's been talking about that squid for ages."

"Anyway, Chad and I both came down with a case of scalyskin afterwards," Tatsuki grumbled, pushing a bottle across the table. "This ointment cleared it right up. It's an Orihime special."

Orihime nodded curtly.

"He doesn't have scalyskin," Rukia frowned.

"We could go ahead and try it on the... skin thing that he does have," Ichigo said, uncapping the bottle and sniffing it. It had a faint floral odor, not unpleasant.

"Anyway, good luck, hope he feels better soon," Tatsuki said, very quickly. Orihime jabbed her in the ribs with an elbow. Tatsuki made a face. "Okay, okay. I _may _have split an experimental protein shake with him. That was, like, three weeks ago, I'm sure it wasn't that. _I _didn't have any ill effects from it." Another jab. "Okay, okay, I was hiccuping soap bubbles for a few days after, jeez."

Rukia wrote this down. "Thank you for your honesty."

"And... " Chad broke in slowly. Chad? _Chad_? "He was helping me with my baby jackalopes." Of course he was. Wait a second…

"You have baby jackalopes?" Rukia asked, her eyes going sparkly.

"They're mean," Orihime nodded gravely. "Cute, but mean."

"They're nicer if you give them whiskey," Chad shrugged. "If you can keep them from fighting over the whiskey. That's where Abarai came in. Anyway, the babies aren't supposed to be able to cast curses, but they aren't really well understood."

"He does seem kinda jackalope-ish," Ichigo pointed out.

Rukia wrote it down. "Is that it?"

Chad and Tatsuki turned their heads to Orihime, who looked very guilty. "Actually…" she drew out slowly. "I needed help sneaking into the teacher's lounge, so I may have… polyjuiced us into Professor Kenpachi and Professor Unohana. And then I had to do a minor aura modification as well to get past the wards."

"What were you doing in the teacher's lounge?!" Tatsuki exclaimed.

"I needed some Bleeding Ink from the supply closet. I thought I had timed it so all the teachers would be in class, but I guess there was an accident in First-Year Charms and it got cancelled so Professors Urahara and Shiba were there… horsing around I guess, tossing spells at each other. I really would have thought the teachers would be better behaved in their own lounge! Anyway, one of Professor Urahara's spells took an unlucky swerve and nearly hit Renji, but I'm almost positive he ducked in time. And _then, _because he had to stay in character, Renji tried to punch Professor Urahara but _he _dodged out of the way and then Professor Shiba decked Renji."

"I wondered how he got that black eye," Ichigo grumped.

"Did she hit him with the magic arm or the regular arm?" Rukia probed.

"Magic arm," Orihime cringed, before brightening. "But it was a very good distraction, because I got the ink _and _I stole some donuts." She paused. "It could have been the donut, is what I'm getting at. Mine had ginger passion fruit curd, it was really good. I think Renji's was pumpkin cream."

"The donut," Tatsuki echoed. "It might have been… the donut?"

"I would have gone with you," Chad pointed out, slightly hurt.

"Well, I know you don't like stealing things," Orihime excused. "And Renji does a really good Professor Kenpachi impression."

"That's fair," Chad agreed. "But you know you can always count on me."

Ichigo rubbed his face and exchanged a sympathetic look with Tatsuki. He might have to put up with Rukia and Renji, but she had _these two _to deal with.

Rukia looked down at her list and sighed. "Well, thanks. I guess."

"Let us know if there's anything we can do," Tatsuki offered, in the manner of one who means it, but also hopes that they are never taken up on their offer.

"We love Renji a lot, we will do whatever we can!" Orihime pumped her fist enthusiastically.

Chad added a vigorous nod of solidarity.

Rukia's cheeks colored. "I'm sure it's something very stupid, and that the cure will be very stupid as well. We'll have him back to normal in no time flat. Well. Back to _usual_, anyway. Normal is a bit of a stretch."

"Well, good luck," Tatsuki offered, not sounding terribly confident. "C'mon, you two, we got places to be."

"Ummm," Orihime hesitated. "We're going out to the Quidditch Pitch tonight to watch the meteor shower. Uryuu's coming, he said he would bring his telescope. I don't suppose you two wanted to…um… Renji, could come, too. Obviously."

"Thanks, we have plans," Rukia cut her off.

"Oh, okay!" Orihime's eyes darted to Ichigo briefly, and she offered him a tiny smile. "Have fun, then." She and Chad both waved as they chased off after Tatsuki.

Ichigo started to wave back, and then realized that Rukia was regarding him thoughtfully.

"Would you rather go with them? You can. I didn't mean to speak for you."

Ichigo closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his head. "I told you I'd get you up on the Battlements and I will."

"No, you didn't. _Renji _told me you would. And let's be frank, we both know you don't have any more way of getting up there than I do."

Ichigo shrugged. "No, but if you have to do something impossible, wouldn't you rather do it with a friend?"

Rukia was quiet for a moment. "Yeah. Yeah, I would."

* * *

Ichigo leaned his head against the wall of the Battlements. It was pretty windy up here, and the temperature had dropped a lot when the sun went down. The view was worth it though, the sky big and black above them, perfectly clear, studded with stars.

Very. Um. Romantic.

Rukia had pulled her knees up to her chest, and was arranging her cloak over them. Ichigo was glad he didn't have to deal with bare knees in this weather, although he couldn't help noticing how cute Rukia's were.

"You cold?" he asked.

"I don't get cold," she replied.

When it was the three of them, walking usually, or sitting together, Rukia went in the middle. That's just how it went. Ichigo and Renji saw far too much of each other, anyway, and besides, it's not like Rukia impeded their view of each other.

But it wasn't the three of them, it was just the two of them, so they had left a Renji-sized space between them. For when he got here. Which he would, of course. He had promised.

"Uh, it was nice of Ishida to give us that Spider-Step powder," Ichigo said. "I told you we would figure something out. Even if that something was 'already being friends with a guy who stockpiles magical substances.'"

"Mmm," Rukia agreed, not really paying attention.

Ichigo chewed his lip. "You shouldn't worry about him," he announced. "Like you said, it's probably something daft. Maybe it will even wear off by itself."

Rukia glared at him. "You think? You really think that?"

"...no," Ichigo admitted. "But you're really smart! You'll figure out what it is, and then we'll find a way to dispel it. You're brill at potions, and Orihime's a genius at herbology and Uryuu's real good at charms and I'm good at...fighting things?" He frowned thoughtfully. "Do you think there might be something to fight?" That would be nice, actually, something he could just sling a few spells at. It's not that Ichigo really _liked _fighting, but there was a certain _straightforwardness _to it. And he really was very good at it.

"You might have to fight Renji if he turns into a monster," Rukia sighed grimly.

"Aw, c'mon, don't say that, Rukia!"

She rested her chin on her knees.

Ichigo looked at the Renji-sized space for a long minute. If Renji were here, he would ruffle Rukia's hair, or slap her knee or possibly even sling his arm around her and press her into his side, squeezing all the sadness out in the process. But Renji wasn't here.

Ichigo scooted into the space, not quite close enough for their shoulders to touch. "We'll figure it out. We always do."

Rukia glowered at him. "_I _always figure it out. And then Renji gets us into places and you defeat the bad guy. That's how this works. But have you seen the list, Ichigo? It's pages and pages and pages of things people have cast on him or fed to him or done to him. It's too much. I'm never going to figure it out."

"At least we know he sure has a lot of friends," Ichigo pointed out with an awkward grin.

Rukia closed her eyes.

Ichigo swallowed. "He still likes you best, though."

Rukia squeezed her eyes tightly.

"He does. You could freeze him solid, erase his entire memory, tranfigure him into a blast-ended skrewt and he would still care about you. It's the most Renji thing about Renji, caring about you."

"He's all I have," Rukia said, in a tiny voice.

Ichigo sat up a little straighter. "Now, that's not even true. Maybe it was, but you got me, now, for one, and you know how hard I am to get rid of." She cracked one eye to look at him. "My whole family thinks the world of you, both the Shibas and the Kurosakis. Uryuu's only, like, a quarter of the prat to you that he is to everyone else. Those Gryffindors would run into a burning building to save anyone, even, like, Jaegerjaques, but that doesn't mean they don't love you with their whole big, stupid hearts. Even that uncle of yours- the way I figure, he's probably in some impossibly dangerous situation, and every letter he sends you is probably a huge gamble, y'know? Like, maybe he's an undercover Auror, tracking down Aizen? Or a prisoner in Azkaban? But he runs the risk anyway, for you."

"You're just being dumb now," Rukia informed him, but there was the slightest smile on her face.

Ichigo swallowed and steeled himself and then he put one arm around her shoulders. "And all those people care about Renji, too, and we're gonna uncurse him, you got that? I still think you'll solve it, you always do. But in the meantime, we can also tackle this the Ichigo way: let's just try every counter-curse on him we can think of, every reversal charm, every dispelling powder. Something's sure to work." He grinned his best confident grin at her, the one he had flashed at her after he blasted his way out of the stomach of that giant basilisk Aizen put in the dungeon during their second-year.

"Ichigo…" she said slowly, looking into his eyes.

Ichigo maintained the stupid grin, despite the churning in his stomach.

"...you're a git."

His grin softened into something like an actual smile as his heart clenched tight in his chest. He would fix this for her. He had to. And not just for her, either, but for Renji, because the fact was, Ichigo didn't even want to go down the path of thinking about life without that big dumb pillock hollering at him a thousand times a day and punching him in the shoulder and trying to sneak horse-size monsters into their room and facing every problem with the cheerful determination of a hippogriff.

And then, in the silence, there was a grunt from the other side of the wall.

Rukia and Ichigo leapt to their feet, and leaned over the top of the battlement to see Renji swing himself up and over the protruding crenellation. Ichigo jumped up and leaned over the top, stretching out a hand. Rukia hung onto his waist as a counterweight. Renji grabbed Ichigo's forearm, and together, they dragged the big oaf over the top of the wall.

"Whew!" Renji proclaimed, wiping his brow. He looked a little worse for wear, with large tears in his jumper, the knees blown out of his trousers, and much of his hair loose from its usual ponytail. He put his hands on his hips. "What time is it?"

"11:50," Rukia informed him, her voice filled with an uncharacteristic open fondness.

Renji regarded her with one raised eyebrow. "Told you I would make it."

Ichigo self-consciously looked up at the sky. "Hey!" he exclaimed, pointing at a streak of light stretching across the sky. "It's starting!"

Grabbing their arms, Renji flung the three of them down in the spot where Rukia and Ichigo had been sitting just a few moments before. This time, Renji was in the middle, one arm slung around each of his friends, holding them close enough that they had to lean on him. He'd forgotten his cloak, or perhaps felt it would hinder his climb, but his body radiated a pleasant warmth against the cold night air. Slowly, Rukia and Ichigo let themselves relax, as more bright slashes began to appear in the firmament above.

"Sorry I doubted you, Rukia," Renji noted. "This was definitely worth coming up here for."

Rukia was busy re-arranging one of the rips in his jumper so that she couldn't see the angry black lines on his skin beneath it. "Definitely," she agreed.

* * *

Ichigo strode into the Great Hall, and immediately cast a _Finite Incantatem _on Renji, who was trying to eat his breakfast.

"What are you doing?" Renji trying to wave the spell away with his hand.

"Did that do anything?" Ichigo asked.

"I don't… think so? Was it supposed to?"

Ichigo tried again. _"Reparifors!" _

"What are you doing, man, stop it!"

"What are _you _doing?" Ichigo snorted. "Why don't you wait for me to go to breakfast anymore? And is that my tie? Do you have three ties on your head this morning? I know you only own two."

"It _looks good!"_

"It most certainly _does not! _"

"Why are you so mad at me this morning?"

"_Reparifarge!" _

Renji stood up, stuffing a handful of sausages into each pocket. "How 'bout you let me know when you're done being a tosser?"

"Don't act dumb," Ichigo replied, whipping his staff at Renji in an attempt to knock loose one or two of the neckties that were currently knotted around Renji's forehead. "Everyone knows you're cursed, so just hold still and let me try to get it off."

"You don't know anything," Renji growled back, evading the staff. It was a real growl, exposing a sharp canine.

"I know you're upsetting Rukia," Ichigo hissed.

Renji pushed past Ichigo, and stalked out of the room.

Ichigo pulled a small notebook out of his pocket and crossed off the top three spells he had written on his list. He had five more to try, although he wasn't super-confident he could cast the last two. He might have to pull in Uryuu, but if that's what it took...

"Hey."

He looked down at Rukia, who looked like she hadn't slept well. Her hair stuck up on one side, and there were dark circles under her eyes. "Have you seen him this morning?"

"Briefly," Ichigo replied. "He seemed… fine. Let's have some breakfast. It's gonna be a big day."

* * *

"Do you have any idea what's up with Ichigo?" Renji asked Rukia from across the library table. He was sitting in a chair backwards, with his arms crossed over the back. "He's being super weird today."

"_Ichigo _is being weird today? Hmm," Rukia noted.

"Keeps sneaking up on me and casting spells at me," Renji grumped. "Threw a potion at me when helping Tessai with that injured thestral. Spooked the poor girl."

Rukia looked up from her book. "How are you feeling?"

"Me? Stunning. Never better."

"Nothing… unusual going on?"

Renji looked cagey. For all his fine qualities, he was not a skilled liar. "Nah. 'Cept the Ichigo thing."

Rukia set her mouth in a line. "Where have you been going all the time? And don't tell me it's a new workout. If it were a new workout, you'd have been talking about it non-stop, like you always do."

Renji sucked his teeth. "I'm helpin' someone with something. It's a little sensitive, and I don't want anyone to get in trouble."

"Who?" Rukia demanded. "I've probably talked to everyone you know in the last two days. Which is a lot of people honestly, I had no idea you were so-"

"You don't know them."

"I don't- Renji, I'm really-" Rukia swallowed and lowered her voice. "I'm really worried about you, okay?"

He leaned across the table to give her a playful smack, but she swatted his hand away.

"Stop it!"

"You're being a worrywart," he smirked at her. "It's kinda cute."

"Why do you have three ties on your head?" Rukia demanded.

"I'm having a bad hair day," Renji said in a clipped voice, as though every single day of his life wasn't a bad hair day.

_"Expelliarmus!" _

"Dang it, Rukia!" Renji exclaimed, as his ties went flying. "You, too? How did that even work, isn't that a disarming spell?"

"Intention is important," Rukia bit off, her eyes glued to his forehead. "Please tell me you drew those on yourself."

Rukia had noticed earlier in the week that Renji's widow's peak was looking peakier than usual, but now it looked downright Mt. Doom-ish. But that was nothing compared to the interlocked black lines that now zigzagged over his exposed forehead.

Renji sighed and got up to retrieve his ties. "It's not a big deal, I'm sure they're just temporary."

"Just temporary! Renji! Tell me what's going on! How am I to know you haven't fallen under one of You-Know-Who's schemes?"

"I'm sure You-Know-Who has better things to do than mess around with my brows."

"I would not be sure of that, he's very petty."

Renji was carefully reknotting his ties. "I gotta go."

"Go _where_? Why won't you let us help you?"

He waved his hand dismissively as he stalked away. "I'll catch you later, Rukia, when you can learn to mind your own business."

_The garrett was cold and drafty and dark. Eight-year-old Rukia Rotwood hugged her knees to her chest. While she didn't exactly _regret _tripping that nasty old orphanage worker so that he went face-first into his bangers and mash, it would have been nice to make it an entire day in this place before getting thrown into solitary. _

_"Psst! Hey! New girl!" _

_Rukia's ears perked up. Where was that coming from? Outside, possibly? There was one small window up here, maybe 8 inches square, the greasy glass broken down near the corner. There was a face peering in at her. Rukia stood up and pushed it open. "Do I know you?" _

_"Prob'ly not," the boy, who looked to be about her own age replied. He had brown eyes and a lot of very red hair, wrestled back into a ponytail. "Renji Abarai, nice t'meet you." He stuck his hand in through the window and Rukia hesitantly shook it. _

_"Umm, aren't we on, like, the fourth floor? How… um…" _

_"Victorian architecture always has lots of sticky-outy bits, piece of cake to climb." He seemed to be waiting for something. "And you are?" he finally asked. _

_"Oh. Rukia. Rukia Rotwood." _

_"Well, Rukia Rotwood, I came up to tell you about the loose floorboard about two paces left of the east wall, and five north of the door." _

_Rukia regarded him for a moment, and then stood up and carefully located the spot. Working her fingers down around the edges of the board, she lifted it free. Nestled among the joists of the third floor ceiling was a veritable treasure trove. The top-most item was a scratchy wool blanket- a little worn and covered in pills, but she pulled it out and immediately wrapped it around her shoulders. Beneath it was a number of other items- comics, a notebook with a few writing implements, assorted socks and a jumper, a flat pillow, a pair of sunglasses and a paper fan. Presumably, it got pretty hot up here in the summertime. _

_"Help yourself to any of that stuff," Renji explained from the window. "But take good care of it and make sure to put it back before they come get you in the morning. Y'know, so it's there for the next guy. Which could very well be _you _, y'know." He stuck his hand through the window again, waving something. "Oh, this is for you, too." _

_Slowly, Rukia walked back toward the window and took it from him. It was a package of biscuits, slightly smushed. "Where'd you get this?" she asked. The Hanging Dog Street Home for Orphans didn't seem like the sort of place that believed in dessert._

_"Been savin' 'em," Renji replied. _

_"Why are you giving them to me?" Rukia asked suspiciously. _

_"Well," Renji drawled. "I really admired the way you sent ol' Tavis sprawling."_

_"He was mean to that little girl," Rukia frowned. _

_"Oi, yeah, he's a monster," Renji agreed. "Not the worst one here, but bad enough. Anyway, most of the kids here are pretty rotten, too, but some of 'em are okay. I got a few good mates, we look out for each other, stick together, y'know. Saw that move and wanted to see if maybe I could get on your good side. I mean, my boys put me up to it, too, but they're not as good at climbing as I am."_

_Rukia opened the pack of biscuits, stuck one in his mouth, and handed a second back to Renji. "I don't take bribes," she informed him. _

_"Not a bribe," he replied, jamming the treat into his rather large mouth. "Just sharing. No one here's got much, but what you got, you share with your friends." _

_Rukia chewed slowly. It was a little stale. "Not sure about friends. Allies, maybe." _

_"Sure, that sounds good. Ha ha, yeah, friends makes it sound like people you _choose _to hang out with." He swallowed. "Hey, anything else you need up here?" _

_Rukia swallowed as well. "Are you going already?" _

_"Huh? I don't have to. They just did bed checks, there'll be another round at midnight, so I can stay until then. Gets lonely up here, huh?" _

_"I take it you've done some time in solitary, yourself?" _

_" _Boy_, have I. Loosened that floorboard myself, I'll have you know."_

_Rukia snorted. "Nice work. How long you been here?"_

_"Since my Mum died. Three years in April." His face fell. "Gosh, your folks didn't just pass, did they?" _

_"Huh? Naw, never knew 'em. Just got kicked out of another foster house, that's all. I don't tend to stay in the same place for very long." _

_"Ah. Well, smart of you to have made friends with me, then. I got this place timed like clockwork, I can get you up to speed right quick." _

_"Smart of me," she agreed, ignoring the fact that he had used the 'f' word a second time. "Try not to get too attached to me," she warned him. "I don't plan on sticking around here for too long, either." _

_Renji pbbbted. "No worries. Pals for as long as it lasts, that works for me." _

Rukia clenched her fists. She was going to break this curse if it killed her.

* * *

"You're sure it removes enchantments, too?"

"Oh, yeah, that's the primary purpose. The healing is actually a side effect."

Ichigo and Nel were sitting in a bush together. This was more normal than you might think.

_"How?"_

"How what?"

"How does your spit remove enchantments?"

"Oh. I'm half veela."

Ichigo gaped at her. With her sturdy build and masses of blue-green hair, Nel didn't exactly look like the veela in the fairy-tale books.

"Yeah. Our kisses break enchantments, didn't you know that?"

"Uh...wait, you could just _kiss _someone instead of just hocking a loogey on them?"

"I mean, I _could._ That seems a little forward, don't you think?"

"I mean, drooling on someone isn't exactly- shh, here he comes! Are you ready?"

"Wait, do you want me to kiss him or drool on him?"

"Uh, uh," Ichigo choked. "Get him!"

They crashed into Renji at the same time, and all three of them went tumbling across the grass.

"Dang it, Ichigo!" Renji hollered.

They eventually rolled to a stop, with Nel sitting on Renji's chest, pinning his shoulders to the ground and Ichigo sitting on his legs.

"Would you rather be kissed or drooled on?" Nel shouted at Renji.

"Is that a threat?" he yelped.

Ichigo was uncapping the jar of ointment from Orihime.

"I just wanted this to be a consent-based de-cursing," Nel explained. She worked her jaw a little, apparently working up some spit on the assumption he would go for 'drool.'

"I'm not cursed!" Renji shouted back. "Please don't drool on me again!"

Ichigo shoved up Renji's jumper and shirt. "Jeez, man, you're covered in these things!"

Nel craned her head around to see what Ichigo was looking out. "Wow. When'd you get all those tattoos? I kinda fancy 'em."

"They're curse marks," Ichigo interrupted, slapping some ointment on Renji's ribs and watching to see if anything happened.

"Aiee, that's cold!" Renji howled.

Ichigo squinted at the stripes. They did not appear to be going away.

"Well, what's it going to be?" Nel demanded.

"What happens if I say 'neither'?" Renji whimpered.

"We sit on you forever," Ichigo replied grimly.

Renji made a resigned face. "Okay, kiss then. I need you to know, though, that I am not looking to get into a relationship right now, although I respect you both as a witch and a fellow swole person."

"Oh, that's so kind of you to say," Nel remarked, before really laying one on him.

Ichigo attempted to avert his eyes, and realized that, as fate would have it, three upperclassmen happened to be walking by. It was Rangiku Matsumoto, Yumichika Awesegawa and Shuuhei Hisagi, or as they liked to call themselves, The Two Hottest People at Hogwarts and Shuuhei. They didn't exactly slow down or stop talking amongst themselves, but their eyes remained glued to the three underclassmen on the ground as they passed.

"This is not at all what it looks like," Ichigo announced, realizing in fact, that he had no idea what it looked like. "We're un-cursing him."

"Mmmm," Rangiku and Yumichika noted. Shuuhei looked like his brain had become stuck trying to process what was going on.

"Underclassmen," Rangiku observed dryly.

"Hufflepuffs," Yumichika added.

"Hey!" Shuuhei protested.

Nel and Renji disengaged. Their heads slowly swiveled over, faces horrified.

The Hot People gave them little finger waves, and continued on their way.

"That was very wet," Renji commented.

"Thank you," Nel replied.

"Will you two get off me now?"

Somewhat reluctantly, Ichigo got up and Nel followed his lead. "You let me know if that skin cream has any delayed effects, okay?"

"I will not, because, for the last time, there is nothing wrong with me," Renji grouched, brushing himself off. "And how 'bout next time you want to smear something on me, you ask instead of embarrassing all of us in front of the Hot People."

"I didn't plan that, it was just bad timing," Ichigo mumbled.

"I bet they thought that was hot," Nel declared.

"No, Nel," Renji and Ichigo replied in unison.

* * *

"Despite my many warnings, once again, not a one of you has managed to brew even a passable unguent. I hope you will take some time to reflect on your failures, and question what has brought you to this point. At least those of you who managed _not _to set their own hair on fire may console themselves with that."

Orihime looked deeply ashamed; Chad gave her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.

"Christ, what an asshole," Uryuu murmured.

"You may think I am being harsh," Professor Kuchiki went on, as though he had heard Uryuu's comment, although his face remained impassive. "But there will come a time in your life when you have missed an important detail, when you forget the necessary charm, when you find you have _failed to prepare_, and it will cost you dearly. Or perhaps not. Think on this, my students. You are dismissed. Enjoy the remainder of your Monday."

Rukia remained in her seat as Uryuu swept his books into his knapsack, her teacher's words sinking into her heart like lead weights.

"You coming?" Uryuu asked. "We have to get to arithmancy."

"Go on ahead, I need to ask Professor Kuchiki something."

Uryuu glanced at Professor Kuchiki, who was gathering up glassware, and then back at Rukia. "Do you want me to stay? For, um, moral support?"

Rukia snorted. "You go on ahead, I'll catch up."

Uryuu gave her a tiny nod. "As you like. Hey, Sado, Inoue, Arisawa, wait up!"

The classroom emptied quickly, no one liked to linger in Potions.

"Miss Rotwood, is there something wrong with your legs?" Professor Kuchiki asked, depositing some beakers near the sink.

Rukia steeled herself. Professor Kuchiki was prickly and he was cold, but he was also brilliant, and there was something about the way he laid out explanations that slotted neatly into Rukia's brain. "Professor, I'm having a bit of a problem, and I was hoping maybe I could... ask you about it."

Kuchiki didn't turn around. "I apologize if my post-lecture admonition has given you the misconception that I care about the personal lives of my students, Rotwood."

Rukia wasn't deterred. "It's not that, sir. There's a problem I've been trying to solve, and there are too many possible solutions. And for every one I eliminate, two new ones pop up. And I'm running out of time and I just feel…" she trailed off.

Professor Kuchiki had turned and was regarding her with his usual inscrutable expression. "You have lost your focus, Rotwood. You need to return to the root of the problem. I don't suppose, by any chance, you happened to pay attention to the _theme _of my least several lectures?"

"Observation?"

"Ah, you did, how delightful." He did not sound the remotest bit delighted. "If you have many potential solutions, then your problem must have characteristics that are common to a number of them. These are a distraction. Instead, you must focus your attention on what is _unique. _That should help to separate the wheat from the chaff."

Rukia blinked. "Oh."

"Also, Rotwood, you must look beyond the symptoms of the curse itself. Abarai is a very straightforward young man. It is unusual for him to reject your assistance, is it not?"

"Er, yes," Rukia agreed, goggling at his jump from the generic to the specific. Then again, he was obviously very observant himself.

"You might think on that."

Rukia nodded. Already, her brain was churning. "Thank you, Professor."

"You are an excellent student, Rotwood, I am afraid that even I am subject to favoritism from time to time. Please do me a favor and overlook my sentimentalism."

Rukia grinned. "I won't tell anyone, sir."

"Ah, and Rotwood?"

"Yes?"

"Will you, by any chance, be passing by the library at all today? You are a frequent patron, I am given to understand."

"Oh, yeah, probably."

He went over to his desk and retrieved a folio-sized book, which he handed to her. "Would you mind returning this for me? I no longer have need of it."

Rukia accepted it, glancing at the cover. It was called "Spirits of Japan: A Guide to Common Oni, Mononoke, and Yurei."

"Sure, Professor," she replied. "No problem."

* * *

It was close to 2am when Renji came trotting up the path from the Forbidden Forest back towards the Hogwarts Grounds proper. When he got to the gate, Rukia and Ichigo were sitting, half leaning on it, half leaning on each other, snoring.

Renji considered what to do. He could leave them there, of course, but then they would wake up in the morning all dew-damp and achy necked. He was pretty sure he could carry them both at the same time, but the picking up part would be tricky without waking one or the other. Also, he wasn't sure how he would get Rukia back into Ravenclaw tower. He wouldn't mind sticking her in his bed and sacking out on the floor, but that might cause some trouble in the morning.

Besides, they'd likely come out here with a purpose. Renji had a strong suspicion of what that purpose was, and it was enough to make him want to go ahead and leave them there, but there was a reason Renji had been sorted into Hufflepuff. He cleared his throat loudly, and when that didn't seem to have much effect, he did it again, and coughed rather loudly into his hand.

Rukia's eyes fluttered open, and she quickly jabbed Ichigo in the ribs with her elbow. He awoke with a grunt and a start. They jumped to their feet, and Ichigo thumped his staff against the ground, causing it to ignite with spooky blue mage-light.

"This is an intervention," Rukia announced, trying to rub the sleepiness from her eyes.

"Your cloaks are tangled," Renji pointed out.

"Oh, are they?" They took a moment to get the tail of Ichigo's cloak sorted out from Rukia's sleeve. "Uh, where were we?"

"Something about an intervention. Maybe we could skip it, though? I'm pretty tired."

"Where on earth did you find a nue, Abarai?"

Renji stiffened. "I don't even know what that is."

"I think maybe you do. Sort of a monkey-tanuki-tiger, with a snake for a tail?"

"Makes creepy bird noises," Ichigo added. "Late at night."

Renji's eyes darted between them.

"Its marks are all over you," Rukia pointed out. "The stripes, the teeth, the strength."

"They were _lonely!"_ Renji protested. "Been trapped in the library for 400 years or something, how is that fair?"

"How...many of them are there?" Ichigo asked, mildly horrified.

"Well, just the one, but they've got two or three personalities crammed in there, so 'they' seemed about right." Renji rubbed his neck and avoided making eye contact. "You guys are making this out to be a much bigger deal than it is. I just been runnin' 'em around the forest a bit, getting a little exercise. So I look a little funny, who cares?"

"Because it's not just the looks," Rukia pointed out calmly. "That's what had us confused, you know. There are honestly too many ways to bespell yourself a set of fangs. It was the _bad luck_."

Renji squirmed.

"Even the bad luck, I could live with," Rukia mused. "Maybe. But we've started fighting among ourselves. Nue cause _civil war_, Renji. And _plague_. This needs to stop."

Renji was quiet for a long moment. Finally, he said, "It's not like it's their fault."

"It kind of is," Ichigo pointed out.

"Well, I'm not just puttin' 'em back in the library!" Renji protested.

"How did you find a plague demon in the _library _anyway?" Ichigo demanded.

"You don't go to the sections of the library Rukia drags me to. To be fair, no one goes to the sections of the library Rukia drags me to."

"Sometimes there aren't ladders and you know even minor cantrips become unreliable that deep into the stacks, and you have very good shoulders for standing on," Rukia sniffed. "I am also confused about how you found a plague demon in the library without my noticing, but let's put that aside for now. Surely, there must be a compromise. If we put our brains together, we should be able to come up with something."

"Why didn't you just tell Tessai or one of the other professors?" Ichigo pointed out.

Renji shuffled his feet and Rukia looked deeply uncomfortable. Ichigo sighed. He always forgot how little trust they put in adults.

"It's just a matter of knowing who to ask," Ichigo pointed out. "I mean, I wouldn't ask _Professor Kuchiki _about it or anything, but I think if we get the right set of people involved, they might be able to find a way for you to keep hanging out with your new pal without the whole school coming down with tuberculosis."

"Easy for you to say, your aunt's the head of Ravenclaw," Renji grumbled.

"That's right, my _aunt's _the _head _of _Ravenclaw, _" Ichigo reiterated. "So maybe you can leave this one to me."

* * *

Renji fidgeted nervously. There were three professors watching him, House Heads to boot, and Tessai, who was sort of like a professor. Also _the Headmaster _was here. To be fair, it was a little hard to be intimidated by the Headmaster, who was currently wearing flip-flops and a purple fringy caftan that exposed an awful lot of chest hair. He kept taking sips out of a water bottle with the words "This might be wine" emblazoned on it. Renji's sense of smell was pretty acute these days. There was a 100% chance it was wine, something very fruity.

"Go on, Renji, no need to be nervous," Professor Ukitake suggested, in his perpetually supportive tone. In the three and change years Renji had been in Professor Ukitake's House, he and Ichigo had broken an awful lot of rules. A truly mind-boggling number of rules. And while he had received a lot of disappointed lectures, Ukitake had never actually ever levied any sort of punishment against them. Ichigo sometimes noted that the Disappointment was the worst punishment of all, but Renji wasn't an idiot. Not getting punished definitely beat getting punished any day.

So here he stood, in the Forbidden Forest, a place that he went at least a few times a week, despite the fact that it was extremely off-limits to students, showing off a demon he had found in a section of the library that was also extremely off-limits to students. None of the professors seemed particularly bothered by this.

Rukia offered him a hopeful smile and Ichigo raised his eyebrows. Renji was glad they had come along. He rummaged around in his pocket, and pulled out the little grey-blue soapstone statuette. "I found this in the library," he explained. "In a pile of scrolls. What section were we in, Rukia?"

"Mononoke charms," Rukia supplied.

Professor Shiba raised one eyebrow. "May I?"

Tentatively, Renji handed it over.

The Head of Ravenclaw turned the little figure over in her hand. Professor Urahara leaned over her shoulder curiously. The black cat that was usually lounging around his office now sat on his shoulder, also looking curious. But she was a cat, they were supposed to look like that. "Interesting spell," Ichigo's aunt observed, passing the figure to Urahara. "Half-binding, half-transfiguration."

"Oh, yes, very interesting, indeed," Urahara agreed. "Very old spell as well. Divine, possibly." He looked up mildly at Renji, as he passed the figurine to Ukitake. "How did you know how to unlock it?"

Renji looked surprised. "I'm not sure. Zabimaru told me, I guess."

The figurine had made its way down to Headmaster Kyouraku who offered it back, cradled gently in an open hand. "Can you show us, please, Mr. Abarai?"

Renji took a quick glance and Rukia and Ichigo, and then regarded the little figurine. "Howl, Zabimaru," he whispered to it.

A gust of wind blew through the woods and with the great, ear-splitting screech of a night bird, the figure in his hand blew into dust, then reformed on the ground as a great and terrifying beast with rolling eyes and slavering teeth, covered in bright white fur barred with black. It hissed, clearly surprised by the great number of unfamiliar people and dove into a nearby bush.

Renji knelt down next to the bush and started talking in a low voice. "Hey, buddy. Sorry about all this. These are my teachers, they're all, uh, real nice, and they aren't gonna do anything to you, they promised. Also, Rukia and Ichigo are here, I told you all about them, they'd sure like to meet you."

Rukia and Ichigo exchanged a look confirming that they were in definite agreement as to how much they wanted to meet Renji's horrifying new friend.

Renji crawled into the bush.

"I honestly did not expect that level of mononoke," Professor Shiba admitted. "That is a serious mononoke."

"They were hunted nearly to extinction during the Edo period," Tessai remarked. "My understanding is that it's rare for them to grow to that size in this day and age."

"I'm sure the Japanese Ministry will be interested in this," Ukitake noted. "We should contact someone at Mahoutokoro."

Renji and the nue came tumbling out of the bush with a lot of grunting and growling, limbs thrashing every which way.

"You, uh, okay, pal?" Ichigo called.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Renji called back. "They love this. This is- OW! -what we do mostly- stop that, y'tosser!"

"Is it typical for them to take human companions?" Kyouraku asked, scratching his head.

"Not that I know of," Tessai replied.

"Er, Renji," Ukitake called.

"Eh?" Renji replied. He appeared to have the nue in a half Nelson.

"You said it had a name?"

"Yeah, Zabimaru. Say 'hi', Zabimaru."

The nue tipped back its main head and let off that shiver-inducing bird cry again. The snake tail took this opportunity to nip Renji in the rear, and he lost his grip. The nue turned itself around in a liquid movement, slamming its front paws onto Renji's shoulders and knocking him to the ground. Then it sat on him.

"How…did you know?" Ukitake asked.

"They told me."

Zabimuru was butting Renji in the chin with their baboon head.

"Well, you gotta give me my arms back, mate!"

The nue sat back a little so Renji could pull his arms free. He reached up and began to scratch the beast vigorously about the thickly furred shoulders. "You can't hear them?"

"They're growling and snarling a lot," Rukia replied.

"Oh. That's not very polite!" Renji chided his monster, really leaning into his scratching. "You should speak so my friends can understand you!"

"What an unusual situation!" the Headmaster commented, taking a large swig from his water bottle and offering it to Ukitake, who waved him off. "Seems a shame to split them up. Perhaps we can negotiate something. Ugh, I guess this means I'll have to talk to people."

"We can't have a major mononoke like that just wandering loose," Professor Shiba pointed out, the voice of pragmatism.

Rukia looked at Ichigo, concern in her eyes.

"I'll have to see if I can come up with a few protective spells to mitigate the worst of their domain effects. Can't have a civil war breaking out on campus. Although I heard some of the Slytherins filled their own common room with poisonous gas, so maybe we're already too late on that score."

"Mmm, no, that was Grantz, he's just like that," Urahara commented. He quickly changed the subject. "It also seems like young Abarai's been experiencing some unwanted proximal transfigurations. If he's willing, I would like to see what I can do to reverse them."

"Does that mean you can fix his stupid hairline?" Rukia demanded. "And the brows?"

"Oh, I rather liked them!" Urahara protested. "I guess it's up to him. Also, Zabimaru seems to have hooked a little too strongly into his brain. We should see what we can do to get them to back off, or barring that, teach Abarai a little Occlumency."

Rukia and Ichigo exchanged a wide-eyed "good luck with _that_" look.

"Tessai, what do you think?" the Headmaster asked.

The gamekeeper stroked the end of his mustache. "I'll have to do a bit of research to make sure they aren't going to displace any of the other apex predators in the Forbidden Forest, or if we can supplement their diet so they don't have too much adverse effect on the ecosystem."

"They like breakfast sausages!" Renji called helpfully.

"Abarai has been helping me out for some time now," Tessai pointed out. "He's a very conscientious young man. Out of all the students that could have gotten themselves attached to an ancient disaster spirit I am glad it was him."

"Out of all the students who go here, who else was going to go and get themselves attached to an ancient disaster spirit?" Ichigo whispered to Rukia out of the side of his mouth.

Rukia was busy, fondly watching as said disaster spirit attempted to chew on her friend's head.

"What's… what's going on?" Renji asked, having only been half able to track the conversation. "They don't have to go back to the library?"

"Oh, certainly not!" Headmaster Kyouraku replied. "Binding up spirits and hiding them in the stacks was all very well for the twelfth century, but that's not the way we do things anymore. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Abarai, you have a very dangerous creature on your hands there. But also a very interesting one. I am willing to take the chance of seeing if we can't find the right combination of magical precautions so that they can stay here at Hogwarts."

"They can stay? Really?" Renji gasped, his face splitting into a huge grin.

"There is one thing," Kyouraku warned, attempting to sound very serious. "At least at first, someone is going to have to take personal responsibility for Zabimaru. Perhaps someone who could communicate with them and might be willing to venture out into the Forbidden Forest to make sure they are getting enough exercise. That seems like a pretty big job."

"Oh," said Renji. "I would do that. Could it be me?"

"As his house head, I would be willing to provide oversight," Ukitake volunteered. "With a little planning, I can see this turning into a very interesting senior thesis."

Zabimaru headbutted Renji in the face.

"Hear that, buddy? If you can behave yourself, they'll let you stay," Renji said. He buried his face in the thick fur of Zabimaru's neck, and no one heard his next words. "It's a pretty good deal."

* * *

_A few weeks later... _

Rukia and Ichigo were skipping stones from the dock that protruded out into the Great Lake, when Renji arrived. The moon was just rising, and it reflected, big and white and beautiful in the dark water. Renji scooped up a handful of stones from the shore before joining them.

"What's the score?" he asked, plopping down on the other side of Rukia.

"Current record is seven, held by Rukia," Ichigo informed him grimly. "Hufflepuff pride is on the line."

Renji carefully nocked a stone in the curve of his finger, and hurled it out over the dark water. It sank immediately.

"Ugghh, what are you even good for?" Ichigo groaned.

"How is Zabimaru?" Rukia changed the subject, secure in her victory.

"I think they've finally recovered from trying to eat that acromantula earlier this week," Renji reported. "Settlin' in. We had a good run-around. They're a little grumpy that my magical strength is gone, but I guess they've convinced a couple of the younger centaurs to wrestle with 'em, so it's all working out." Renji scratched his head. " I should probably tell Professor Ukitake about that, he told me we had to be careful about pissing off the centaurs."

"The super-strength was kinda cool," Ichigo admitted. "You miss it?"

"I only lost my _magical _strength," Renji clarified, somewhat pompously. "I still got my usual super-strength." He flexed a bicep, the effect somewhat ruined by the fact that it was cold, so he was wearing both a jumper and a cloak.

"Yeah, yeah, we've all seen your sick guns," Rukia groaned, flapping a hand at him.

Renji shot her a wink, then leaned back on his hands, watching the reflection of the stars in the lake. "To be honest," he said slowly, "I wasn't really able to appreciate it very well. It's hard to explain, but me and Zabimaru were tied in real tight together, and all I could think about was gettin' out to the woods and running around with them. Professor Urahara's helped me put some space in there, and it's much better now." His senses and appetite were back to normal as well, and his teeth were no longer so fangy, although Rukia suspected there were slightly sharper than that had been originally. And then there was the matter of…

"When are the stripes going away?" Rukia demanded.

"Have you seen the ones on my abs? They're pretty sweet, y'know."

"Renji."

Renji made a face. "Urahara says they're for keeps, unless I break my link with Zabimaru entirely, and I ain't doing that, no matter how much you hate my brows."

"I wouldn't ask that," Rukia replied seriously. "You _have _to find something better than those neckties, though."

"I'll work on it," Renji promised. He was quiet for a moment. "Thanks. To both of you. I'm sorry for what I put you through, and I appreciate all you did for me."

"Even though we've probably blown any chance we ever had of getting with the Hot Gryffindors?" Ichigo smirked.

"_You _never had a chance with the Hot Gryffindors," Renji informed him. "Shuuhei told me that Rangiku thinks the stripes are hot."

Ichigo and Rukia performed a perfectly synchronized eye roll.

Renji smiled at both of them fondly before a pained look crossed his face. "You two are the best friends a guy could have, and when I think about how I almost screwed all that up… well, I'll try to make it up to you both, I promise."

Ichigo snorted. "You were mildly possessed, mate. You're forgiven."

Rukia was quiet for a moment. "You don't need to make up anything. If nothing else, this whole debacle made me realize how much I… we… how much everyone we know depends on you. You do so much for everyone, and I… I've been taking you for granted. _You're _the best friend anyone could have."

Renji's cheeks flushed.

"Yeah, you're okay," Ichigo agreed. "I don't really take you for granted, though, I'm about the right amount of grateful." Rukia jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. "Speaking of helping people out, though, I gotta go."

"You what?" Rukia echoed, her brow creasing.

Ichigo stretched and stood up. "Chad's lost one of his jackalopes and he suspects it made its way down to the Slytherins' Dungeon. The Gryffindors are planning an infiltration and they said they could use a spell guy."

"You're terrible at infiltrating," Rukia reminded him.

"Oh, no question. But look at the rest of the party. It's not like _I'm _the one who's gonna get them caught."

Renji looked concerned. "Do you want me to-"

"Nope!" Ichigo replied cheerfully, giving him a swat on the shoulder. "I got it covered. And anyway, you owe Rukia for fudging up her big Orionids plans."

Renji turned a perplexed face to Rukia as Ichigo took his leave. Her scarlet cheeks and mortified expression only deepened his confusion. "I thought we had a nice time watching the Orionids," he frowned.

"Mmmm," Rukia replied, seemingly unable to make her mouth form actual words.

"What a weirdo," Renji commented, picking up another stone from the little pile sitting on the dock next to him. Once again, it _plonked _into the lake without a single skip. He reached for another, and suddenly found Rukia's fingers interlaced with his own.

Renji stared stupidly down at their hands for a moment, before looking back up at Rukia. Her face was even redder than before and she was staring very intently at her lap.

"_Oh, _" he said, feeling the tips of his own ears starting to burn.

For a long moment, they sat together in silence feeling awkward and embarrassed and maybe just a little bit of something else, as well.

"I heard," Rukia finally said, dragging out each word, "that you finally got to meet the lake squid."

"I did!" Renji replied. "Very grabby. No manners."

"Tell me all about it," Rukia asked, pulling their clasped hands into her lap.

"Okay," he replied, scooting a little bit closer to her.

And under the light of the moon and stars, he did.

~end

* * *

**End note:**

Zabimaru's appearance in this story is a loving tribute to the Disreputable Dog from Garth Nix's wonderful Abhorsen series, which I was fortunate to read at the same time I was watching Bleach for the first time. I always felt like Sabriel and Rukia would have a lot to talk about. In any case, I felt it was fitting, since Renji is a bit of a Disreputable Dog, himself.


End file.
